Squirrel massage

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Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Maid's Raise

The Maid asked for a raise:

The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

Father of a Groom

Oconomowoc, Wisconsin

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.

“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”