An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Hearing problem
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Friday, September 28, 2007
Artists's Dilemma
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother,that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting.
He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my G~d!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off."
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother,that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting.
He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my G~d!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Smart cat!
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Two lawyers...
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Always get a second opinion
The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on Your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about
some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on Your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about
some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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