~* Laughter Academy *~

Bath time

2008-03-14T15:56:00.000+02:00

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath,and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked he old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heavenwould be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to G~d would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Southern Baptist Minister

2008-03-14T15:51:00.000+02:00

A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Rye Bread

2008-03-14T15:30:00.000+02:00

Two older guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me!"

Religious joke

2008-02-05T15:53:00.001+02:00

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

25th wedding anniversary

2008-01-24T10:08:00.000+02:00

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively, "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Weather predicter

2008-01-22T11:11:00.001+02:00

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.

Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.

"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.

Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"

"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"

Happy Birthday

2008-01-22T11:07:00.000+02:00

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides,she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling,

"I'll be back in an hour!"

Wine vs Water

2008-01-21T11:02:00.001+02:00

As Ben Franklin said; "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, vodka, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Alcohol = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Really deep thoughts..

2008-01-21T10:59:00.000+02:00

# A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
# Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
# How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
# Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
# Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
# Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
# No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
# There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
# No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his team is winning.
# The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
# If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
# Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
# I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
# Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
# The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
# To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.
# Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Chevette.

5 types of post-marriage sex

2008-01-15T17:29:00.000+02:00

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Senior Citizens Dating

2008-01-06T10:33:00.000+02:00

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Before marriage

2008-01-01T13:02:00.001+02:00

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?”

Old Lady and the Atheist

2008-01-01T13:00:00.000+02:00

There was a little old lady who stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted; "PRAISE THE LORD" every morning.

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell; "There is no Lord!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted; "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted; "There is no Lord, I bought those groceries!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted; "PRAISE THE LORD!

He has provided me with groceries and made the Devil pay for them!"

Santa in the summer

2007-12-27T23:42:00.000+02:00

Letters to Santa

2007-12-24T18:13:00.000+02:00

Click here and prepare yourself to face the truth!!

Jingle Bombs

2007-12-24T17:54:00.000+02:00

This is fab! CLICK HERE :))

Thanks to Curcubitator for sharing this with all of us. Happy Holidays, my friend! :))

Christmas Angel

2007-12-24T17:34:00.000+02:00

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

And that's how the tradition of putting an Angel at the top of the tree came to pass...

3 guys...

2007-12-24T17:29:00.000+02:00

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

The price to pay...

2007-12-21T14:56:00.001+02:00

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Something`s wrong...

2007-12-20T21:35:00.000+02:00

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

Things....

2007-12-11T15:03:00.001+02:00

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don't want to have s&x.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Onions and Christmas Trees

2007-11-29T15:56:00.000+02:00

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Memory Problems

2007-11-25T19:31:00.000+02:00

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching tv, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "where are you going?" He replied, "to the kitchen." She asked, "will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "sure." She then asked him, "don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "no, i can remember that."

She then said, "well i would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because i know you'll forget that." He said, "i can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, "well i also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "i told you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Squirrel massage

2007-11-22T20:46:00.000+02:00

Click on the image ;)

Missing Wife

2007-11-22T20:43:00.001+02:00

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Maid's Raise

2007-11-20T09:24:00.000+02:00

The Maid asked for a raise:

The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

Father of a Groom

2007-11-18T10:49:00.000+02:00

Oconomowoc, Wisconsin

2007-11-18T10:41:00.000+02:00

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.

“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

What is this place`s name??

2007-11-14T17:29:00.000+02:00

A nap :)

2007-11-11T13:10:00.001+02:00

When Mary was pregnant, her 5 year old, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mommy's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she sked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

When he did, however, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.

"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

Comfortable underwear

2007-11-11T13:08:00.001+02:00

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

Dog That Sneezes On Command

2007-11-11T08:53:00.000+02:00

Only in London...

2007-11-11T08:16:00.001+02:00

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs,no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness 's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

It`s serious...

2007-11-09T10:45:00.000+02:00

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

PUSSYCATZ :))

2007-11-06T22:09:00.000+02:00

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

" I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

" Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Sun Tree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Expensive Hooker

2007-11-06T13:20:00.000+02:00

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the
bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!?!... for a handjob?.. are you crazy?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the
money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell.. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my BJs."

"How much is that?"

"500 bucks"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building." I paid cash for that building with the money I made on
BJs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints -- twice. The next night he can hardly
contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some p*ssy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

Who Killed Abraham Lincoln?

2007-11-05T22:35:00.000+02:00

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions... .

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent

2007-11-05T22:22:00.000+02:00

An English professor wrote the words:
" A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote :
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote :
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!!

Blind Date

2007-11-05T09:26:00.000+02:00

Blonde Blitz...

2007-11-04T10:16:00.001+02:00

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

The most dangerous food

2007-11-04T10:10:00.001+02:00

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

Same Thought

2007-10-24T21:36:00.000+03:00

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

The answer is below, but think about it first...

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???
???
???
???

Answer: Don't look down.

Pa Won't Like It

2007-10-17T22:12:00.000+03:00

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Age...

2007-10-16T08:07:00.001+03:00

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Greeks vs Italians

2007-10-12T23:00:00.000+03:00

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics. "The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented s&x!" The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Stages in a woman`s life

2007-10-10T22:39:00.000+03:00

Definition of "wife"

2007-10-08T11:55:00.000+03:00

Husband asks:

"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time
Wife replies:

" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"

I`m so hungry!...

2007-10-05T09:50:00.000+03:00

Cold Water

2007-10-03T11:47:00.000+03:00

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before,Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather' s dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!"

Hillary and Bill go Jogging

2007-10-01T08:14:00.001+03:00

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
On each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner each day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared that street corner, Bill realized she would holler her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner , there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled;
"See what you get for five bucks!?"

What`s the name, again? :)))

2007-09-29T17:43:00.001+03:00

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hearing problem

2007-09-29T17:40:00.001+03:00

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Artists's Dilemma

2007-09-28T10:09:00.000+03:00

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother,that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting.

He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.

They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my G~d!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off."

Smart cat!

2007-09-27T09:05:00.000+03:00

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Two lawyers...

2007-09-26T08:54:00.001+03:00

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Containers

2007-09-25T13:22:00.000+03:00

Haios?!! Defect profesional :))

Awesome Lazy Cat

2007-09-24T16:14:00.000+03:00

Always get a second opinion

2007-09-23T10:06:00.000+03:00

The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on Your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.

As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about
some new underwear?"

Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

A Nine

2007-09-22T09:43:00.001+03:00

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Parfumul

2007-09-20T08:13:00.000+03:00

Intr-un tramvai, caldura, aglomeratie mare... O d-na, in picioare, tinandu-se de bara de sus. Alaturi, un batran care nu mai suporta mirosul urat, de transpiratie, venind de sub bratul d-nei:
- Asculta cucoana, ce-i mirosul asta?!?
D-na:
- Este parfumul meu, pe care il folosesc zilnic.
Batranul:
-Si cum se numeste parfumul asta?
D-na:
- Alba ca Zapada si cei 7 pitici.
Batranul:
-Auzi cucoana, cauta bine in cutie, ca mie mi se pare ca unul din pitici e mort!!!!

Awesome!

2007-09-18T16:52:00.000+03:00

Click HERE then move your mouse cursor up & down the picture!

Alligator shoes

2007-09-18T08:23:00.000+03:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

Priceless Ball Game

2007-09-16T13:38:00.000+03:00

The Cure

2007-09-15T22:38:00.000+03:00

There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his wife's lack of attention toward him.

The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than obliging."

So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.

He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"

So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink the milk.

After a half hour, both fall asleep.

Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"

The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"

What true love is

2007-09-15T20:13:00.000+03:00

Dating

2007-09-13T08:16:00.000+03:00

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do..."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Say & Write Exam

2007-09-11T08:26:00.000+03:00

The Insurance Money

2007-09-10T08:04:00.000+03:00

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes....... ...

The Reunion

2007-09-08T19:14:00.000+03:00

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunite at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the washroom.Those who remained, talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company, at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went on to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He then started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday - a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the washroom who asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame, what a disappointment. "

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him and he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boy friends."

Twins

2007-09-08T19:11:00.001+03:00

The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.

"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the physician, "and there is every indication that you are going to have twins."

"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a double date in my life!"

Electricity

2007-09-08T19:08:00.001+03:00

A father and his small son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.

"Don't know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity. " A few blocks farther on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.

"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."

The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk,none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked,

"Pop, I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions... "

"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

The difference between men and women

2007-09-07T08:58:00.000+03:00

Candid Camera

2007-09-06T09:05:00.000+03:00

Candid Camera - funny prank - click here !

Helping a cat

2007-09-05T10:44:00.000+03:00

One hot August day we found this old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her 'Pussy cat". The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. G~d knows who the father is!"

James Bond in heaven

2007-09-04T08:05:00.001+03:00

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking !"

Blonde goes Painting

2007-09-04T07:59:00.001+03:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Marriage proposal

2007-09-02T17:53:00.000+03:00

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. " Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Top 13 sloganuri… traduse nefericit

2007-09-01T10:08:00.000+03:00

Se presupune ca specialistii in advertising ar trebui sa fie foarte atenti la sloganuri, insa nu intotdeauna se intampla asa. Haideti sa vedem cele mai amuzante traduceri ale unor mari companii:

13) Cand firma Parker a dorit sa comercializeze un pix cu gel in Mexic, reclama ar fi trebuit sa sune cam asa: "Nu iti va curge in buzunar si nu te va face sa te simti prost" - in engleza, 'embarrass'. Cei de la firma de publicitate au crezut ca 'embarrass' se refera la 'embarazar' - in spaniola, 'a lasa o femeie insarcinata'. Asa ca sloganul a ajuns sa sune in final astfel: "Nu iti va curge in buzunar si nu te va lasa insarcinata".

12) Producatorul scandinav de aspiratoare Electrolux a folosit, intr-o campanie publicitara desfasurata in America, urmatoarea propozitie: "Nimic nu suge mai bine decat un Electrolux".

11) Clairol a lansat pe piata din Germania un ondulator de par, numit "Mist Stick". Ceea ce nu stiau ei este ca in germana 'Mist' inseamna balegar, asa ca nu multa lume si-a dat seama la ce foloseste mai exact produsul…

10) Coors a tradus literal sloganul "Turn It Loose" ('Elibereaza-te') in spaniola, unde insemna de fapt "Sufera de diaree". Daca stam bine sa ne gandim, aceasta expresie ar putea suna foarte urat si la noi, daca nu avem mare grija la modul de exprimare!

9) Campania "Revino la viata cu generatia Pepsi" a devenit in chineza "Pepsi iti readuce mortii la viata".

8) Cand Gerber a inceput sa vanda mancare pentru bebelusi in Africa, se folosea acelasi ambalaj ca in SUA, i.e. cea cu un bebelus zambind. Mai tarziu, ei au aflat ca in Africa poza arata ce contine de fapt produsul respectiv, dat fiind ca majoritatea populatiei nu stie sa citeasca.

7) Colgate a lansat pe piata franceza o pasta de dinti numita 'Cue', fara sa stie ca acesta era si numele unei cunoscute reviste porno.

6) Sloganului puiului de la Frank Perdue: "Este nevoie de un barbat puternic pentru a face un pui moale" a devenit in spaniola: "Este nevoie de un barbat viril pentru a face un pui plin de afectiune".

5) Cand American Airlines au vrut sa faca publicitate pe piata mexicana noilor scaune de la Clasa I, "Zboara in piele" s-a transformat in "Zboara in pielea goala".

4) Un producator american a imprimat tricouri pentru piata spaniola, cu ocazia unei vizite a Papei. Si in loc sa scrie "L-am vazut pe Papa" (el Papa), pe acestea se putea citi mesajul: "Am vazut cartoful" (la papa).

3) Succesul imens al campaniei "Got Milk?", initiata de Dairy Association, a facut ca aceasta sa fie extinsa si in Mexic. Curand, numeroase persoane s-au sesizat cu privire la nuanta pe care a capatat-o traducerea in limba spaniola: "Ai lapte?"

2) General Motors a cunoscut un adevarat fiasco, atunci cand a incercat sa promoveze modelul Nova pe piata din America Centrala si de Sud. "No va" inseamna in spaniola "Nu merge".

1) Numele Coca-Cola a fost citit initial in chineza "Kekoukela", aceasta fiind o expresie cu conotatii sexuale sau insemnand "Iapa umpluta cu ceara", in functie de dialect. Coca-Cola a cautat apoi aproximativ 40.000 de caractere chinezesti, pana a gasit echivalentul fonetic "Kokoukole", tradus prin "Bucuria gurii".

Dixie

2007-08-31T08:42:00.000+03:00

My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"...

All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way.

It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible.

One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked...

Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness...

It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave.

I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm... I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means?

I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked!
What's the meaning of that?

I even asked my Mom; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie- wrecked. My-Dixie- wrecked.

It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out...

"My Dick's Erect! What the hell does that mean?"

My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.

A blonde on an airplane

2007-08-29T16:18:00.000+03:00

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Clean your monitor!!

2007-08-29T10:13:00.000+03:00

Click here in order to clean your monitor!

Reclamatie la Orange

2007-08-28T23:02:00.000+03:00

Blonde coffee :)

2007-08-27T09:26:00.000+03:00

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked,

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black and two decaf."

One day`s schedule

2007-08-26T22:05:00.000+03:00

Little Johnny`s Dinner Story

2007-08-23T11:17:00.001+03:00

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt Diana in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Diana......"

At this point Mom cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an 'interesting' story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the he look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story. Mommy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about how he saw the car go into the woods..., then watched Aunt Diana get undressed... , and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat....,

and then Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

Funny Animals

2007-08-23T10:41:00.001+03:00

Great answers :)

2007-08-22T13:49:00.000+03:00

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Old Age

2007-08-21T09:26:00.001+03:00

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but ged, husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for action.

Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more conjugal bliss.

When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. Ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a
great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says,

"You mean I was here already?"

Funny animals

2007-08-20T16:44:00.000+03:00

Lifted

2007-08-20T15:06:00.000+03:00

Funny animation: click here!

ComiX :)

2007-08-17T12:53:00.000+03:00

Little Lucy's Observations

2007-08-17T11:37:00.000+03:00

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from
heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming,
I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."

The Driver's Licence

2007-08-15T09:05:00.000+03:00

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Lizard Birth

2007-08-14T11:59:00.000+03:00

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what wasgoing on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Somebody stop me! (speakers on)

2007-08-09T15:40:00.000+03:00

Different views

2007-08-07T13:59:00.000+03:00

Click on the link

http://wvs.topleftp ixel.com/ flash/cntower_ timelapse. swf

Move your cursor over the picture & see the difference.

Just wait for sometime as it will take some time to download.

Scary compilation :)

2007-08-05T22:03:00.000+03:00

Hysterical :))

2007-08-01T14:41:00.000+03:00

Laughing cat

SizZzling Sexy....

2007-07-31T09:11:00.000+03:00

Be careful what you wish for! :)

2007-07-29T08:38:00.001+03:00